Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
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Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
This cat wants you to take your pills
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Generation gap…
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?