Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
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Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift