Cheer up.
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writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
getting corrected
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.