Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
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*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!