“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
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[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.