wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
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Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first