Going back in time, y’all need anything?
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If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.