[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
You Might Also Like
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Don’t we all.