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ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Yup.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing