Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
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Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
when dads have a rap battle
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.