[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
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*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Friday
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
*puts cutlery down*
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Social distancing in Australia:
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it