Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
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If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family