Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
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HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Sorry. Not sorry
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Cow it started Cow it’s going
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr