I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
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Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Discuss
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination