I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
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I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
#parenting
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.