This tree does a lot of weird exercises
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Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot