I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
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My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
when you don’t want to be too vague
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.