*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: ๐ฉ๐๐๐
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[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree ๐
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isnโt a calling.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Proud to announce Iโve made Forbesโ โ7 Billion under 7 Billionโ this year
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when youโre not entirely sure youโve said them out loud.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I would run in my flip flops, but I donโt want you to fall in love with me.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Leave โem wanting more. Thatโs what I always
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Life is different in Christian frats:
โYou shouldโve seen this hot chick I didnโt bang.โ
โWay to save it for marriage, bro.โ
*fist bump*