“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
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WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
they split up moments later
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
me after drinking all the wine:
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
starting a garage orchestra
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready