Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
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Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”