Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
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According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
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If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People: