Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
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Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
No. He’s not coming out to play
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑