[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
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I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
my mom making me talk to relatives
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Very good news from my accountant
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.