Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
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“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”