I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
You Might Also Like
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
plant them where lol
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.