Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
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April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
one last job
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.