9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
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You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Classic German Shepherd 😂