Vodka burrito was a success
You Might Also Like
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.