Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
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My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Sorry not sorry.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.