Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
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My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker