I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
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INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.