ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
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“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
How times have changed.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week