I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
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Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I thought this was funny lol
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.