The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
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A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
This squirrel eats better than I do
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
tourist season
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.