Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
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If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
choose your fighter
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
6. me as a lawyer
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.