Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
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PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?