went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
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Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
#CatsOnTwitter
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”