Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?