Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
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Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
*seductively eats two tums*
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I feel this so hard
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police: