Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
You Might Also Like
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.