Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
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Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
i love meeting boys on tinder
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
This will teach them to underestimate me
I’m Sold!
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans