if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
You Might Also Like
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs