Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
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honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I thought this was funny lol
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.