This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
You Might Also Like
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?