I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
You Might Also Like
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
this post was so formative to me
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.