Finally, an explanation.
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It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”