I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
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Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯