Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
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When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.