“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
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#TopTip
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.