YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
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My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
We need to put an American base on the sun
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
My dad.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Smooooooth
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*